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Nude Nuns With Big Guns 
Written by: on December 11th, 2011

Theatrical Release Date: USA, 2009
Director: Joseph Guzman
Writers: Robert James Hayes II, Joseph Guzman
Cast: Asun Ortega, David Castro, Perry D’Marco, Maxie J. Santillan Jr., Ivet Corvea, Aycil Yeltan, Emma Messenger, Bill Oberst Jr., Maz Siam, Xango Henry, Robert Rexx, Jessica Elder

DVD released: April 11th, 2011
Approximate running time: 92 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.78:1 Anamorphic Widescreen
Rating: 18 (UK)
Sound: Dolby Digital Stereo English
Subtitles: N/A
DVD Release: Spirit Entertainment Limited
Region Coding: Region 2 PAL (UK)
Retail Price: £5.99


Synopsis: A convent puts the sisters to work making drugs in the nude.  The silent partners-in-crime are a sleazy and violent biker gang that are up to no good. Sister Sarah tries to steal a rather large packet of dope and is caught, nuns get murdered and/or sold into slavery and beaten to death by patrons. Sister Sarah is doped to the point of death and has a near-death experience wherein she is reborn as an avenging angel of vengeance and death.
 
The title is somewhat misleading as the nuns are seldom nude and armed at the same time, and the focus is more on the biker gang than the nun(s); but more importantly it sounds like a comedy and it’s not. There’s lots of violence and nudity, but it’s all played dead pan serious, as if this over-the-top scenario actually exists somewhere in a parallel universe.  
 
The film is well made and the acting is fine, but the tale is not compelling. Some of the scenes and situations are interesting, but none of the characters. The few likable personalities are quickly killed off, only the viewer doesn’t relate so much as pity them for such an undeserved and meaningless death. It plays like a meandering Spaghetti Western with no particular place to go or reason to get there. It looks like one, as well, but that’s actually one of the major strengths.

Perhaps this is due to cinematographer Edwin Figuerora rather than Robert James Hayes II as in the previous [and much more enjoyable] Guzman / Hayes collaboration Run! Bitch Run!. More ambitious, with a larger budget and larger cast, it’s slickly made with lots of style but still only manages a few isolated moments that actually stand out above the pack. One highlight is when bit player Jessica Elder (Viva, Run! Bitch Run!) appears (as a native American Indian?) and reveals her magnificence in a lesbian scene with the equally attractive Sarah Emmons as ‘Butch’. Hmm, she looks a lot like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. Imagine that.

The DVD:

Previously released in the UK and Australia, the anamorphic widescreen R1 DVD and Blu-Ray issues from Image are scheduled for February 14, 2012.

Nude Nuns With Big Guns is not so much a bad movie as one that does not succeed on most levels. That’s not for lack of trying, it’s just misguided and ill-conceived. The fact that it is so overtly misogynistic certainly explains why all the female characters in this universe are lesbians. Apparently procreation is achieved mainly through rape. Some viewers may enjoy it as a mindless piece of violent entertainment, but probably not more than once. It could kill brain cells.

Note: Spirit Entertainment Limited also releasing Nude Nuns With Big Guns on BluRay.

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