Written by: Carroll Jenkins on September 29th, 2012
Theatrical Release Date: USA, 2012
Director: Jared Masters
Writer: Jared Masters
Cast: Jamie Devitt, Jennicka Andersson, Jessica Hichborn, Zrinka Dozic
DVD Released: October 23rd, 2012
Approximate running time: 75 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.78.1 Anamorphic Widescreen
Sound: Dolby Digital Stereo English
DVD Release: Independent Entertainment / Pop Cinema
Region Coding: Region 0 NTSC
Retail Price: $19.99
Blurb: Climb It, Tarzan! is a fresh, titillating take on the “Good Girl Gone Bad in Hollywood” tale featuring a vast, all-female cast of more than 50 budding starlets.
No synopsis here because there is no plot. Well, the first 2 minutes (pre-credits) combined with the final bit do tell a complete story. The only consistent focus here is the presentation of vintage telephones circa 1970′s. There are numerous showcase sets with ‘budding startlets’ speaking, conversing, gabbing, gossiping, and talking on the telephone(s). We’ve got avocado, pink, slimline, desk top – all kinds of styles and colors. They appear poolside, in the bath, on the floor, in a chair, but few seem actually to have wires that could be connected to anything. Not really necessary, of course, since the ‘budding starlets’ are not really speaking to anyone. This is only a movie, after all.
Or is it, really? There’s no plot, no dialog of any interest, no action, just some random situations including a really lame and dull LSD session. The cinematography is adequate and sometimes more than that; the soundtrack is adequate but sometimes painfully repetitive. The plot is a mess and the dialog is virtually unintelligible, especially when the wind blows.
Ahhh, the purpose behind this meandering mess becomes crystal clear: this is a casting couch project. Why else feature 50 starlets when it’s patently impossible to do so and maintain any semblance of a story or plot? Marketed as a skin flick type product, there’s very little nudity on display – maybe 2 minutes tops(less). There are no males in the cast (come now, the lawyer has an Adams apple) but the co-producer is a man as are much of the crew.
The colors are often overly saturated and blown in the interior settings, but that’s probably on purpose, and the soundtrack is mostly inadequate (as previously mentioned). For extras there is a deleted scenes reel, and this is actually the best thing here. There are a couple of scenes that are both interesting and funny, and the attractive, spunky, voluptuous stripper character whose brief appearance is a highlight of the feature returns with a hilarious ‘black mask’ dance and the musical score for this ‘missing’ segment trumps anything appearing in the picture itself. Not only that, but there is a marijuana sub-plot that was completely eradicated from the feature.
Some very attractive women are featured, with a few that actually posses some charisma and screen presence. Unfortunately they are the ones with 40 seconds of screen time. So, unless you have a fetish for vintage telephones, there’s not much here to recommend. Someone should grab up the few talented actresses here, but most likely they already did.